In this age of online social networking, it is remarkable when friends manage to get together face to face. In fact, it’s remarkable when ‘friends’ have actually ever met in ‘real life’. MySpace and Facebook have made collecting friends a hobby. With so many ‘friends’, it’s hard to keep up. But your real friends, those you met in the sandbox or roomed with in your first year of college, are the ones suffering from your emotional relationship ADD.
More and more of the women and men that I talk to these days are telling me how much they miss meeting up with their friends. Their work lives are taking over their free time and all they can do to keep in touch is send an email once in a while or post a message on their MySpace wall. They accept or extend invites via online exchanges but tend to back out at the last minute, using social network websites as a buffer for real confrontation. I’ve experienced it myself and I think it’s time to end this flakiness.
Why It Happens
Yes, perhaps wireless technology is bringing us together in more immediate ways (I can now talk to my friend in Kenya while at the breakfast table) but it’s also distancing us from the people closest to us. With email, the amount of time that it takes for two people to arrange a coffee date has exponentially increased. It might require a number of exchanges over a week:
“Let’s meet for coffee and catch up next week”
“Perfect – where?”
“I’m free Mon-Fri”
“Tuesday at four?”
“Doctor’s appt – can we reschedule for Wednesday at Café Barney’s?”
“Perfect – call me to confirm.”
In the meantime, a week has passed when you could’ve met at some point if you’d started with a simple phone call. If the email invitation is sent to an address rarely checked, it might take even longer. Ultimately, email and instant messaging allow us to make phoney emotional gestures with no intention to ever follow up.
A Plethora of Plans
So what happens when you don’t actually speak to your friend and you’re not sure if they’ve received your text message? Well, you can’t be entirely sure if your plans are still on. As a result, many people make several plans for one night just in case their original arrangement falls through. Sure, we all party hop so that we can see as many people in a night as possible but double booking is another matter.
It’s hugely inconsiderate to make plans with someone you know is setting aside time for you and then cancel on them at the last minute because something else came up. People who are guilty of this usually cancel on the people most loyal and closest to them, because they know these people are more likely to forgive them for flaking.
So if you’re someone who always has ‘backup plans’ consider this: would you book three vacations at once and then cancel the two vacations you don’t want to take the morning of your departure? Of course not, you’d end up paying for all three in full. Make a commitment to one plan. If it falls through, you might spend the night at home. Trust me, it won’t kill you.
Empty Gestures
If there’s anything that we’ve lost in gaining the convenience of text messaging and voice mail, it is the capacity for spontaneous and sincere gestures between friends. In the online world, declaring your relationship to the world by changing your profile status from ‘single’ to ‘attached’ has become the equivalent of getting together with your girlfriends to dish about the new guy you’re dating. This not only diminishes your opportunities to talk up your exhilarating new relationship, but it prevents your friends from sharing in the excitement.
I’m guilty of the empty gesture as well. If I realise that I haven’t spoke to my friend Jessie in a few weeks, I’ll give her a call when I know she won’t be available to pick up. I’ll leave a vague message about when I can be reached and say that we should meet up for coffee sometime. This way, the ball is in her court and if she doesn’t call back, well, I’ve done my part. What I failed to realize until recently though, is that it’s my responsibility to put forth the effort to catch her when she’s actually at home. My answering machine message doesn’t count as real interaction with my friend.
Bottom line is, don’t use computers or answering machines as replacements for genuine gestures of friendship. It comes across as insincere and it’s hurtful.
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that’s what friends are for
Think back to the vacation scenario. If out of the three vacations, the one you picked was the one you invested the least amount of research into, chances are you’ll end up in a dirty hotel with no amenities and a puddle-sized pool. On the other hand, if you choose the old favourite getaway spot, you’re bound to be pleased. Bad metaphors aside, genuine friendships require a real investment of time and effort. Luckily, they are virtually always rewarding.
copied from TheSoko
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